Since Nikki died


So I don’t feel like talking to people. I don’t know why. I can talk when I teach, but when it’s over I can’t . I feel this unbearable sadness. I don’t want to tell people. I had to tell my hairdresser today and she handled it so badly, I just don’t know how to talk to her anymore.  There were some people I wrote and I can’t understand why they never even responded. How can they not even pretend to care and not send a letter? Every morning when I wake up its the first thing I think about. It’s been two weeks and one day.

One of my students put this quote in her happiness project. as I read it today, I found it very helpful . It is from the Dalai Lama:

“We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us, and make us kinder.  You always have the choice.”

Today was not a good day. I just cried and cried, but Casey came over to comfort me which made me feel better. I’ve been terrible upset since I read the funeral book. On one of the front pages  it says Nikki lived 18 years 5 months 3 days. I don’t know why that upsets me, but it really does.

This has not been a good week. It has been one month on Wednesday. I just cry and cry.

May 29- Alex sent me this. It is so beautiful.
The Brothers Karamazov Book 2 Ch 3 – Women of faith. It’s a little different translation from the one he sent me , but I’ll edit it soon.
“Listen, mother,” said the elder. “Once in olden times a holy

saint saw in the Temple a mother like you weeping for her little

one, her only one, whom God had taken. ‘Knowest thou not,’ said the

saint to her, ‘how bold these little ones are before the throne of

God? Verily there are none bolder than they in the Kingdom of

Heaven. “Thou didst give us life, O Lord,” they say, “and scarcely had

we looked upon it when Thou didst take it back again.” And so boldly

they ask and ask again that God gives them at once the rank of angels.

Therefore,’ said the saint, ‘thou, too, O Mother, rejoice and weep

not, for thy little son is with the Lord in the fellowship of the

angels.’ That’s what the saint said to the weeping mother of old. He

was a great saint and he could not have spoken falsely. Therefore

you too, mother, know that your little one is surely before the throne

of God, is rejoicing and happy, and praying to God for you, and

therefore weep, but rejoice.”

August 9. It is weird to understand that Jeff and I will go on forever, through our other children and their memories, but Nikki will be eternally erased from all memories someday.

It has been three months since Nikki has gone. I get through days better, but I cannot look at pictures of her without crying. I know I failed her in the rawest, most painful way that a mother could. I had to go to a funeral Saturday, it was hard to be there. My own grief kept me from celebrating the loss of the other person. I feel as though I want to go to confession, but I don’t even know how to talk. I took communion, but am not sure if I deserved it.

It has been 5 months now, on Monday . It was just unbearable. It’s like she is fading from everyone’s mind. My anger towards people who didn’t even call or send a card is so high. I can’t ever forgive them.

My friend Lori, sent these to me. They were of great comfort.

from lori one

My mom, she tells a lot of lies.
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She’ll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my mom how she is,
And because she can’t explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can’t describe the pain.
Ask my mom how she is,
She’ll say that she’s alright.
If that’s the truth, then tell me,
Why does she cry each night?
Ask my mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She doesn’t have a choice, you see.
Nor the strength enough to yell.
Ask my mom how she is,
“I’m fine, I’m well, I’m coping.”
For God’s sake mom, just tell the truth.
Just say your heart is broken.
She will love me all her life.
I sure loved her all of mine,
But if you ask her how she is
She’ll lie and say she’s fine.
I am here in Heaven,
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you, don’t listen.
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold.
I’ll say, “You’re lucky you got in here mom,
With all the lies you told!”
-Author Unknown


Patton Oswald’s wife died very young and very suddenly. He said this and I think it was very good.

“A lot of the terminology that people use when you’re going through something like this is just ridiculous,” the comedian said. “If I hear the term ‘healing journey’ one more time. It is not a ‘healing journey.’ It’s a ‘numb slog.’ It’s just, ‘Well, it’s the end of another day, guess I’ll do that tomorrow.’ It’s just a numb slog until you start feeling s**t again.”

Oswald added, “If they would call it a ‘numb slog’ instead of a ‘healing journey,’ it would make it a lot easier. Because if they call it a ‘healing journey’ and it’s just a day of you eating Wheat Thins in your underwear, you’re like, ‘I guess I’m on my healing journey.’ But if they say you’re going to have a ‘numb slog,’ you sit there going, ‘I’m nailing it!’”

Today Nikki would have been 20 .    It is on my mind all this week. I try to think about it and not think about it at the same time. I’m stil angry at the people who never cared about her , but grateful for the people who did like Andrea and Katie and Katie.

This is from her 18th birthday – she was still here then . but we only had 6 months left and we didn’t know it.

Today is Nikki’s 18 th birthday. It is such a hard day for me, It was genuinely the worse day of my entire life. I’ve never forgiven God for stealing her whole entire life from her. I still remember how kind some people were, like Denise & Bob who made us real Thanksgiving food so we didn’t have to eat hospital food anymore. I can still remember thinking it was the best meal I had ever eaten. I also think about the people ( family and and friends) who act like she doesn’t exist, they don’t ask about her, never send her a birthday card, never touch her or loved her one tiny little bit in their cold tiny little hearts. Long after she is gone my heart will remain hardened to them. The last month I have spent doing reams of paperwork to transition her to an adult only to have every piece be rejected by the state of Michigan, who say she does not meet their criteria of handicapped. If it doesn’t work out I will have to quit teaching to stay home and take care of her. (Two master’s degrees wasted…..) Tuesday we go to court to get legal custody of her as an adult, and then to social security, to apply for that. Nonetheless I love her. God bless Jeff for being there for me. He built a million little devices to make her life better over the years. God Bless my Uncle Frank who the first time he saw her threw his arms around her and gave her a big hug and said she was beautiful. God Bless Katie Hladky, Kate Ruhlin-Uhlir and Andrea MtPleasant who babysat her a million times and were never “afraid” of her and always to this day ask me how she is and go see her when they come over. So Happy Birthday Nikki I love you so much in the best way I can, but it was not enough to fix you and I begged God a million times , but I couldn’t fix you and I will go to my grave wishing I could have fixed you.




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